So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
