And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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