no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
