if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
