you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Let's get the cat blown out
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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