I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Randomize
