It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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