No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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