I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
handjob tips. give me some.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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