I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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