I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
