So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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