Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
