I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
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I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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