i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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