you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
