you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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