Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
