True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We are two peas in an std pod
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
