Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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