Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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