I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I will be naked everywhere
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
