Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm at about main and main street
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
