Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
