Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(817): View more from Texas

If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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(509): View more from Washington

Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

Fav 17 1168 6342
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(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet

Fav 5 2442 932
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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

Fav 13 1249 2027
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

Fav 6 1513 2110
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(214): View more from Texas

I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido

Fav 4 923 532
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes

Fav 4 162 175
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(618): View more from Illinois

How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?

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