I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.