I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.