Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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