Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He passed out mid-signature
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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