Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
