He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
