I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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