i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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