Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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