My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
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I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
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