I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
