You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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