he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
