This house was built for laser tag.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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