someone threw a dead crab at me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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