you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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