if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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