what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
