She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
