i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I would ride that face into the sunset
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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