hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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