if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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