Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
