Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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