I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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