I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
