Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
