Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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