That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
