kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
