He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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