I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
